The LTLP has been away for almost a week now.

Yes, I know she came to the village fete. But due to holiday reports, that post was a week late. Bear with me.

She is at an Important Scientific Conference. It is very exciting, but I am here all alone whilst she gads around talking to men with beards.

I have taken advantage of her absence to reassert my masculinity. I have rearranged the order of the cutlery draw into a more logical sequence, and yesterday I bought a brand of toilet roll that we do not usually purchase.

As anybody who has lived under an oppressive regime will know, small acts of rebellion like this can sometimes be just as telling as the big ones. I only hope she does not execute ten villagers per fork as a reprisal.

The toilet roll is ‘embossed’ and was dead cheap. Hopefully she will not notice until she wipes her bum, and then it will be too late to take it back.

We spoke on the phone again this evening. She demanded to know if I was looking after myself, and I was able to reassure her, having just enjoyed a tin of delicious Heinz tomato soup for dinner. But although I’m used to being all alone during the day, evenings and nights are more gloomy, even though Kirstie was on telly earlier.

This insomnia is getting to me. When she goes away again you might all have to take it in turns to come to Norfolk and sleep with me.

It’s dark outside and totally, totally silent.

It’s only a small house. But it feels so empty without her.