“Hello, I’m back from the Village Pub,” I whisper.

“Will you at least whisper?” she hisses furiously.

“Sorry.”

“Did you have a good time? Did your friends enjoy it?”

“Yes, although there weren’t ma...”

“Good. Now go to bed.”

“Oh. Ok.”

I leave the Baby’s room, where the LTLP has set up a temporary hospital camp. But a thought occurs to me.

“Do you need a hand with the Baby?”

“I can manage perfectly all right, thank you. Now go to bed.”

“Yes.”

I remember something important.

“We went round to Short Tony’s.”

“Really.”

“Yes. And had a game of darts. Although on reflection I think he might have wanted to go to bed. But it was good to have a game of darts and show them Short Tony’s place, and have a few glasses of wine.”

“Yes.”

“Thinking about it I think he really did want to go to bed. His dog shat on the carpet!!! One of the girls nearly trod in it. With her feet.”

“His dogg?”

“No, his dog. The new one.”

“Oh. Night night.”

“Night.”

I tiptoe from the room. But another thought occurs to me.

“Are you sure you don’t need a hand with the Baby?”

“No I don’t. Now go to bed.”

I exit stealthily onto the landing.

“Aaaaaiiiiiieeeeeeeee!!!”

“What the fuck is it?”

“I’ve hit my toe!!!”

“You what?”

“I’ve hit my toe. I think it’s broken.”

“Go to bed. We’ll look at it in the morning.”

“It hurts and it’s not behaving as a toe should.”

“Go to bed.”