I engaged a cleaner.

I had not employed a cleaner since the previous debacle, and had not intended to until we moved back into the cottage.

When you have a new baby it is sometimes necessary to economise, especially what with the rent money I am having to pay Evil Slumlord Landlord Narcoleptic Dave. That was until I realised how much child support we get from Mr Brown. Honestly it is loads!!! I give her no weekly pocket money at all, and get to keep about seventeen quid a week. No wonder single mothers are always having babies at the expense of the hard-working family community (i.e. me).

Not having a dishwasher has caused mess in the kitchen to accumulate, and I am spending a fortune on paper plates, so it did seem like good economics to get cleaning help. I telephoned the number I'd found.

"What's the house like?" she asked.

This was shortly after our dose of food poisoning that turned out not to be food poisoning after all. It was a mysterious winter projectile vomiting bug!!! Both my in-laws subsequently caught it off me. Before the heating was fixed.

"Oh, it shouldn't be too much work," I replied. I did not mention that the last two people who had used our bathroom had subsequently contracted dysentery. It did not seem like a fact that would aid me in my negotiations.

So I have a clean house again, and what's more I've become an employer in the local economy again!!! Granted I am not quite in the Alan Sugar league despite all the work I do for Great Ormond Street Hospital which I don't like to mention at all or take any credit for. But it is a start, and my toilet is much nicer as well.