My baby is late!!!

A clearly slothful and indolent infant. We sit in the lounge at Big A's, discussing the situation. The whole thing is a bit inconvenient - I haven't really been able to go to the Village Pub recently, and the LTLP is having difficulty doing simple things like the washing up, which is causing her terrible backache. It will be five or so months before we can get a dishwasher in order that she can have some help.

Narcoleptic Dave pipes up from the comfy chair. "Have you tried pineapple? That's meant to work."

I baulk at this. Pineapples are huge and have very sharp pointy leaves, and I am really not sure whether I could get one up there without causing injury. I take the small sip of wine that I am allowed and ask for more sensible suggestions.

All sorts of old wives tales are discussed, before the conversation comes round to the benefits of having it off. I am not particularly comfortable about discussing the topic with the neighbours, particularly as there are ladies present, so I change the subject.

Also it is very difficult to feel sexually attracted to somebody who has basically let their figure go to pot and who weighs about 183743 stone more than they used to.

That is what the LTLP claims anyway, and she is the boss.

I sigh and have another minuscule siplet of wine. The subject is changed. We decide to play 'Risk', but Narcoleptic Dave keeps falling asleep during key battles for Africa, so we scoot off early back to the cottage and the braindeadary of 'Gems TV'.