"Helloooo!!! It's me!!! Over here!!!"

I do a little tapdance across the lounge.

But try as I might, she will still not look up from The Da Vinci Code.

Or it might be the Illustrated Da Vinci Code. Or the Rough Guide to The Da Vinci Code. Or the Da Vinci Code for Dummies. Or Dr. Seuss's The Grinch and Da Vinch. She has the lot.

Honestly. If I came home unexpectedly early and found her dressed as the Mona Lisa discussing plans for building the first helicopter in bed with Dan Brown then I would not be surprised (although a little disappointed).

I retire to the other end of the room, morose. I decide to play her a nice song on the piano. She will like that.

"Life is a moment in space," I warble, playing an E minor chord, which is beautiful. I think for a bit before switching to an A minor (also very nice), but then it goes back to an E minor quite quickly which is difficult. "When the dream is gone - it's a lonlieeer place."

She does not look up but I know in my heart she is listening and is touched. I get through the verse only having to stop a couple of times, marvelling at the genius of Mr. Barry Gibb.

I go crash heartfeltly into the chorus. "I ammm a woman in love - and I'll doooo anything..." I trill. At this point I wish Mr Gibb had written it in a slightly lower key, but what is good enough for Barbra Streisand is good enough for me. "To get you into my worrrld! And hollld you within!"

I finish the song, but she does not look up from the book.

It has her bewitched.