Wednesday, June 30, 2004

I thought I’d tell you a bit more about myself. Firstly, my name isn’t really Salvadore Vincent. When asked to blog-sit for Unlucky Man earlier this month I spent longer trying to think of a pseudonym than I’ve so far spent writing blogs. Eventually I realised that this search for a new identity was taking over my life, so I went to www.mypornname.com and promised that I would take whatever it gave me. Could have been worse. But don’t bother going there and typing in "Salvadore Vincent" to find out who I am, as it doesn’t work like that. I’m not sure of the exact algorithm involved, but in mathematical terms it looks like a "many to one" mapping. I.e. my name (and probably an infinite amount of others) will always map to "Salvadore Vincent", but there’s no way, even if you knew the algorithm, that you could use the inverse of the function to find out who I was.

If you’re really keen to know who I am, read my postings at Unlucky Man’s site, and all you need to do is find out the movements of 60 008 that day, look along that railway line for blocks of flats with nicer than expected gardens and cross-reference that postcode of the electoral roll with television writers at www.imdb.com. I really am making it too easy for stalkers.

But even if you did find out who I was, you wouldn’t be that impressed. I promise that you won’t have seen me in the pages of "Hello". My show-biz life revolves around watching the trains go by, avoiding my gardener and rebuilding bridges with the local Polish community. The list of famous people that I have met as a result of my "job" reads as follows:-

An ex-sitcom star who is now a TV presenter. He was very nice.
An ex-sitcom star who I only found out this morning died two years ago. She was very nice.
An actor very famous for one film role, now quite famous for a role in a series of adverts. He was very nice.
A retired sports presenter. Actually I only rang him up, so I’m not sure if that counts as "met". But he was very nice.

However, all this could change as I have been invited to a book launch tomorrow night. There may be all sorts of celebrities there. My friend has also promised that there will be models there dressed only in spray paint. I assume that he doesn’t mean Airfix models, though we’ve already made a puerile joke based around the word "Fokker". I’ve never seen models dressed only in spray paint, I mean been to a book launch before, so I’m quite excited.

The only thing is that it clashes with the football.

So I’m placing my fate in your hands. Leave a comment: "spray paint" or "football"? The one with the most votes wins.